I have concluded, that I live / have lived an unconventional life.
Yes childhood was mostly scary - but I obviously thought that was completely normal until it was challenged by a CPD event that I attended a few years ago.
I attended an somewhat rough yet simultaneously nurturing secondary school, with lovely teachers. I and my friend were in a class which frequently threw tables, chairs, and whatever else was in sight out of windows, at teachers, ....got through a different Spanish teacher every couple of weeks, my class made them all cry, and in the end we had the headmistress waiting in the cupboard to "jump out" once the chaos had begun :/ This was the notorious... "yellow group". Detentions were taking place on an almost daily basis...for everyone except for my friend and I :/ This was the only reason why I picked French over Spanish.....and I do believe the school always did its very best in challenging behavioral issues. The school was also in a somewhat deprived catchment area, so these things were to be expected, and I managed to sit exams...pass them...and so forth. Never were we bullied.
After school I attended a rural Agricultural College, up until I had completed a BSc (Hons) in Animal Science. However, I now remember hardly ever sleeping during that time. At home. In fact I was a very weird student, I caught up with sleep, at college, in the loo in the library....which obviously wasnt ideal as it was the only one. People used to knock on the door....but I was asleep on the loo :/
Anyway, graduated in Gloucester Cathedral, with friends. Then set off on a mission to "fix" St Helena's veterinary problem whilst at the same time trying to raise sponsorship to be able to afford to study Veterinary Science (which was a ridiculous...and still is...minimum of £30,000 a year). I spent time working back on St Helena, with a very good friend, in all aspects of small and large animal work. It was quite eye opening at the time...as I have already explained elsewhere...hence why I wanted to "fix it". I have seen some things.....but people wanting to euthanase their animals rather than pay 50p for flea treatment? Having to euthanase a ridiculously large number of healthy cats and dogs, which should have been neutered and released....but up against "authority"...they insisted on the "cheap, quick, and easy" approach to everything. I can stomach a lot, but the time I had to euthanase a healthy 2 year old black labrador....just because its owner..wanted a puppy instead....was heartbreaking. And haunts me to this day. Yet, if I hadnt done it, my friend was so upset she couldnt do it, this dog would have had the fate of many other unwanted animals at the time and been shoved in a bag with a brick, and thrown into the sea. I couldnt let that happen, so I had to do it. The dog did not want to die. I shaved the fore leg, found the vein, injected the barbiturates.....and unlike the usual gentle falling asleep.....he howled and howled and howled....it echoing across the valley, as if his entire body was fighting to stay alive. Never forgiven myself for that, but at the same time, I had no choice. I soon decided not to take part though in the nightly cat trapping.....that to me was more butchery than veterinary work. The number of these beautiful animals who had to be handled in a crush cage, with a needle through the heart.....how im so glad things have changed, thats all I can say on that matter. I did manage to persuade "man in charge" than when euthanasing pets as opposed to strays, you could be kind and gently stroke the animal on the table whilst doing the deed, rather than the common approach of sticking the animal in a sack, holding it down, and jabbing it with the needle more or less anywhere, perhaps even in the eye....hoping it dies.
Then there was the large animal side of things. Which I will say was generally better. The C-section on the cow was particularly gruesome - I dont mind blood, but this was being performed by unexperienced people, and she had lost most of her blood - and I was caked in it from head to toe. Literally, I had blood in my hair, all over my face, was plastered. I ate my dinner that night plastered in bovine blood, before being able to bath :/Unsurprisingly the animal went into shock and died the next day. The calf was dead, but instead of going through that, she should have been treated with high dose antibiotics at least, and then if necessary, if septicaemia did set in... euthanased. We also ended up euthanasing a poor cow kept at Harpers; this was a place where prisoners and school children "mixed". Will say no more on that one. This cow was kept apparently for "animal husbandry studies".....yet by the time we were called to her, she was emaciated, covered in ticks and mites, with large gaping wounds, her mouth had a rope around it, so she couldnt eat, she was lying on her side, we could see nearly every bone in her body, and her hooves were three times longer than they should have been. This was one sorry sight, we couldnt save her at this stage, she was practically dead already....and within seconds of injecting the barbiturates...she was gone. She had waited a long time for that. I had made a report to the RSPCA....but since things were "backwards".....people went completely loopy. Secret meetings were being held against me., because I had brought into question the relationship between Harpers / the school, and the veterinary department. In reality - I had done no such thing.....I had simply reported Harpers / the school to the RSPCA!! Where these strange ideas were coming from...were beyond me :/
I and my friend rescued a kitten, about a week old from a puddle in Jamestown; obviously "the man in charge" wanted to put it to sleep ASAP. But we managed to hide him, Smudge spent a lot of time in my pocket in the operating theatre, and overnight with the chickens where he could be safely hidden :D We found a home for him.
My friend and I rescued many kittens, and tamed them within half an hour...I even donated one to an Aunt, called Joey; and they loved him.
Another experience which stood out was the donkey.....obviously its quick and painless...relatively. But seeing a donkey have its throat slit to euthanase it was quite something. I believe it had tetanus, so there was no cure. But if it had been me...I couldnt have done it; I would have had to use the injectable barbiturates (obviously very expensive for an animal the size of donkey). Not nice, but pretty common back then.
I hoped I had at least saved a few kittens from being thrown into the sea in sacks :/ And am happy to report that now there is a full time vet on the Island, doing the job professionally, and she is lovely. Even Jonathon the tortoise gets a salad once a week. There is no more relying on injectable Ketamine to anaesthetise every animal, anaesthetic circuits were obtained eventually, and the staff trained to use them, with halothane.
I would think that once we got rid of the antibiotics that were so out of date (1969 I remember being the oldest....in 2001)...that they had more mould growing inside them....that the drugs would be safer and I know that the current vet does a very good job in this respect.
In the end, I couldnt raise funds for Vet School. I even applied to Pretoria (as suggested by the Ship's Doctor), but being at the time the only vet school on the African Continent - places for international students were very limited. I came back to the UK....and all I knew was I had to leave Gloucestershire again....asap.
Thats when I applied for the job here on Arran, teaching Biology and Geography. That is actually, not just an amazing job, but a truly life changing experience - as I for the first time ever, in my life, actually felt "useful". I discovered who I was....I discovered so much about myself that I had never known. Being on an Island again, I clearly knew I had belonged on an island since first being taken back to St Helena in 1990....AND doing a truly rewarding job. It was hard work, physically, and mentally, with long days in the field followed by evenings in the classroom, in addition to kitchen, cleaning, and kit store duties to name a few....but working somewhere like this, being able to educate so many, being completely absorbed in your subject, and in our spare time....climb ALL the mountains was amazing. The mountain leader training...summer...we did it in the depths of winter, in North Wales, lochs were frozen, coldest ive been in my entire life.....but wouldnt change it for the world. Always doubted myself still, never thought I was good enough.....but put 100% effort into everything I did. Eventually, body was giving up (!), after a few years I decided to go and do an MSc at Aberdeen University. Before I left, something my manager said to me, has stayed with me to this day; "never sell yourself short".
I then spent the inbetween time back on ST Helena before starting my course in 2008, in Medical Molecular Microbiology. I had wanted to stick with animals and study veterinary microbiology, but there wasnt such a course in Scotland....and by now...I knew I could never go back to England ever again.
The trip to St Helena was via South Africa - the trip that included three near death experiences (!). But which I also would not change....as they gave so much pleasure to many many students who would ask me to tell them about the lightning, the rabies, being rescued by a drunk priest....over and over and over again (priest was in Namibia by the way - got on the ship in Walvis Bay, and lightning was in Swaziland).
I remember the day before the trip to the Swazi mountains attending the Inkwala festival, with the King; a sort of harvest festival. And the next day...whilst hiking in beautiful hills....right on the top of the mountain we were, when the weather changed within a matter of SECONDS!.. It was clear blue skies, no clouds, no weather forcast either in Swaziland, so we set off....then oh dear...in the distance, just spotted a big bolt of lightning. Time to head down asap....no there isnt time, next thing, im being told to LIE DOWN NOW!! ....as the sky has gone black and sounds like its being unzipped...by a ....giant zip :/ The ground shook, everytime I looked up, we were surrounded by bolts of lightning, blinding, deafening, walking pole started buzzing so that was thrown off the hill immediately; bad sign :/ It probably wasnt long...but that experience felt like hours. One bolt of lightning was less than 30m away from me. I was already terrified of lightning before....exposure therapy did nothing for me!! Eventually we stood in the middle of the track (after eating a lot of soil) ( it was the type of hill you could get a landrover over), and stopped a vehicle heading our way; we did not care at this point who they were, whether or not they had weapons, we WERE getting in that vehicle. It stopped (gave it no choice!), and fortunately some lovely people from Mozambique rescued us and took us to our farm stay. I dont remember much except being wrapped in a blanket, and then being told to have a bath (next to a window....looking back that wasnt the best idea...but then neither was lying flat on the ground surrounded by lightning, rather than crouching....but as for me....I wanted to be IN the ground). We told many people, who didnt seem at all bothered, or surprised....and then learned that it was so common people were killed on a regular basis by lightning. In fact entire wooden churches full of people had been vapourised. Everyone knew someone killed by lightning....in short....we were therefore very lucky. Not ...unlucky. We were deaf for about 3 days following that incident.
As for the rabies...well I blame the heat going to my head. Was waiting at the South African / Namibian border at Noordewor (too tired to look up correct spelling), waiting (pre bus days) for a long distance lorry driver at a petrol station, to get us to Keetmanshoop. I was playing with a kitten, who happened to scratch me, draw blood, but thought nothing of it. Until the middle of the night, when I woke up terrified, with the realisation that I could now have rabies!! And that I had less than 12 hours to get the rabies anti serum :/ Woke up other, and then had to wake up security guards and beg them to let us out, obviously nobody risks walking in the dark......but with potentially being infected with Rabies...that changes things. We were chased by what were probably rabies infected dogs, as we made our way towards....somewhere....eventually stopped by security vehicles and being told its dangerous to walk, and on explaining, being taken to the nearest hospital. That in itself was an unsettling experience. Obviously people regularly die of Rabies. It was rare for me to be asking for the anti serum, but since they agreed I could be infected, I was definitely getting that anti serum. It was a third world hospital.....therefore things were at that time sterilised by boiling, there were no single use needles.....in a place where HIV prevalence was sky high....needles were re-used, that was the only way. For the first time in my life, I fainted at the sight of a needle :/ I stupidly had even tried to phone NHS 24....from Namibia.....obviously I did not get through. Anyway, decided anything was probably better than Rabies...and had the injections. We were then told it was too dangerous to walk back...we had to stay. But there were no beds. There was also no air conditioning and it was 40C. The floor was concrete. We laid on that all night. The next day, a kind person took us back.
In Windhoek, I then had to pretend to be a Roman Catholic, since I had to wait at the Roman Catholic Hospital to BUY the next 6 doses of Rabies vaccine to carry with me. Had I not pretended to be Catholic....I may have had a longer than 9 hour wait. I felt guilty, as I bought was was practically their last supplies almost. I then had another mission. I had to get it, across the Namib desert (40C), at fridge temperature (below 5C) to prevent it deactivating. I bought a cool box, a thermometer, and ice at every petrol station, and kept a close eye on it, whilst filling the mini bus taxi floor with water :/ I was vaccinated by someone who had never injected anyone with anything before at one point.....I fainted then too. It was an intramuscular injection, given with a subcutaneous needle. And excruciatingly painful. However, I got it to Walvis Bay and in a fridge!!
My next dose had to be given by the doctor on the RMS who charged me the usual £10 even though I BOUGHT my own vaccine.....and to show the difference experience makes....I didnt feel a single thing.
When I eventually had to get my last dose, in the hospital in Jamestown on St Helena, I told her how painful it was, and she told me not to worry....she would "put it in my bottom". Well I grabbed hold of the vaccine firmly and told her (because id had so much time to read every word on the packaging) that injecting it into the gluteal muscle could be fatal!!! In short.....I would have got all that way...only to be killed on ST Helena (!). She thanked me for the information :/
As for the drunk priest....that was also in a township called Katatura, outside of Windhoek. We were at a shebeen....and there were people dressed in suits (odd...for such a place, we knew), talking vaguely about the meaning of life....we were approached by a drunk priest insisting that these people were using hand signals meaning they were going to take us away and kills us. Well, we had to decide there and then....trust the drink priest? Or these well dressed people?? We decided in the end, that albeit drunk, he was a priest, and rapidly made an exist, following him. So we may or may not have escaped potential murderers....but who knows. We were indeed safe with drunk priest.
We left St Helena in a more calm manner travelling back via Ascension Island. And I was on edge for the next 12 months practically ....waiting for the first sign of rabies, had my vaccine not worked (!). I have no way of telling whether or not the kitten was infected, although its less likely than with dogs. And still cannot be risked.
I started my course in 2007 in Aberdeen, and met some wonderful people from Nigeria, Jamaica, and Kuwait (even tho there were just 5 of us!); and even managed to use my veterinary skills in my thesis where I sampled cattle shit from all over Scotland for the presence of Campylobacter jejuni; one of the most common causes of human food poisoning. I was working within the public health department, and growing samples from faeces, comparing with human strains,and testing for antimicrobial resistance. All was well - chicken is still the most common cause, Ayrshire people are least good at cooking their chicken properly and therefore the best at infecting themselves, and farmers were not at risk at developing it from their cattle, since the strains did not match. I basically became well and truly....a "shitologist".
After this, I worked for a short time in pharmacy in Mastrick, with some lovely people, before being transferred to Foresterhill....where I was formally disciplined for being "snowed in". My road was closed, so there were certainly no buses, not even cars......my only option would have been, had I had one...a helicopter .....but as for the "head office" in Nottingham...this still was not good enough!! I left the next day. Phoned them told them I wasnt coming back. Altho I did go back to work at Mastrick, with fonder memories, until I found the job eventually at school.
I missed teaching, and had wanted to go back to it for a long time. I cant say too much on here about the whole experience, as I am still in touch with lovely people whom I worked with, and some still do. I was employed by a school run by a strict religious sect, called the Exclusive Brethren. As a Biologist....this was insane. In fact teaching any Science was insane. I narrowly avoided being sacked in my first week as I was taking a fish to dissect, and covering the benches in newspaper. Only to suddenly remember....these kids dont read newspapers, they are banned!! ( I quickly swapped them for paper towels :/ ). Half my textbooks pages were missing...(edited), yet my students needed to pass exams....we found ways. My students were agreeable at least...they did very well. Which irritatingly made it look as if they "didnt need" the bits removed from the books :D When in reality.....I photocopied what I was banned from teaching and gave it to them, and all kept quiet. These children were restricted from all forms of entertainment, including television, radios, internet (made research very difficult....if not impossible....), football games, cinema, dancing, ....newspapers...and many many books were banned. But it was not all bad. I enjoyed my challenge there. And a challenged it was. It ended badly when I ended up with an illness that my employers did not recognise or believe in....and were convinced I was being "punished by their God"....well after all...I was teaching Science :/ I have to say though, that I hold none of this against them anymore; I feel sorry for them, they did actually believe I was being punished by their God, they were brainwashed and couldnt help it. So I do not blame them at all. I totally understand now, and have forgiven them. I also received compensation through an employment law solicitor.
My health deteriorated for various reasons further after that. Eventually, my house was repossessed, and I moved back here to Arran. But in doing so, the lovely place it is, with lovely people I know, and a lovely landlady....I left my entire support system behind, most importantly, Dr Dunn.
I then came into contact, through no fault of Arran, with a man who was undergoing a psychotic episode whilst "treating me". Wont go into details of that here either, he is no longer allowed to work for any of the three Ayrshire Health Boards. Altho....he is working now in Glasgow. I feel very sorry for Glaswegians. You see...I didnt even know any of this until I had run away back to St Helena to escape him!!
The events that unfolded on St Helena I will not put here either, but most people who need to know, do know now. I was never expecting to come back with even more problems. I had gone, to what I (wrongly) felt was the safest place on earth...for that to happen to me. I had never had anything to do with CID before, and, of all the times id by now travelled through South Africa, which for the lovely place it is...is known for its extremely high levels of violent crime with 1 in 2 people experiencing rape now...never was I expecting to end up being educated in the "dark side" of St Helena. Ever. Everything unanswered fell into place for me though because of that event, and the aftermath. I am glad I am now educated in "that" side of the island. I was supposed to travel both ways, via Ascension, but astonishingly, the safest runway on earth was suddenly deemed to be highly dangerous to land such planes on (as the one I had got on) ....and closed for THREE YEARS. I had no choice, but to travel 3000 miles in the wrong direction, via South Africa again, completely unprepared, completely unexpectedly, and at the time because of what happened, it was the last place I wanted to be. But how glad am I now that I ended up there, and back...with my people....in Soweto. I cannot stress how therapeutic that was. The whole experience, especially since I was unprepared. No winter clothes for freezing Cape Town, no adaptor to use my phone, no maps, no books, nothing booked.....but my friend was flying back from Jo;burg, and the shipping co booked me on her flight. I intercaped my way across SA....via Port Elizabeth, Chintsa, and Durban, and eventually to Johannesburg. I used a sock...to keep my money in. Some of it, I actually put in the shoes I was wearing. Especially.....in Durban :D
But that constant need to be wary to keep myself safe, meant I had no time to even think about what had just happened to me. All my energy was put into keeping myself safe, and getting myself to Johannesburg. When I got there....I felt at home instantly. You see another weird thing about me.....I feel safest in places where other people would not even set foot. But opinions are guided by media unforunately, and very few people are aware that Cape Town is the most dangerous city in SA, and even Durban is more dangerous than Jozi. And as for Soweto itself....yes there is crippling poverty....there will be crime. But all I experienced, was love and kindness. From many people who own practically nothing. In fact Soweto is by far safer than many parts of central Jozi, and Pretoria. In a weird kind of way.....staying somewhere (where firstly I could afford) run down....with little security compared to the rich northern suburbs....IS safer. People do not readily break into places where there is nothing to be stolen. They break into places that already have major security set ups - for these are the places where there are things "worth stealing". Not to say that there is no security where I stay in Soweto......but being in a Township....people have far far less...it is, one of the safest places to stay therefore. Especially if you take other normal precautions also. It is far more relaxed, friendly, and welcoming than most people realise. With calm, gentle souls, of many backgrounds. To this date.....I have never had a problem with people in South Africa (Durban I felt "at risk"...but later than was unfounded....although currently Durban is not great sadly). Isnt that mad.......given what happened to me on St Helena. And...to the "others".
On arrival back in Scotland, I came back to Arran to meet Rape Crisis...to be told....after all that running away......that the doctor who had been treating me was extremely sick, had lost his job, had damaged several other women also....all from North Ayrshire....and was unfit to practice. This was part relief...and part absolute horror....of never being able to "un-do" the things this (and other) man had done to me.
Later, my case was due to be taken to court, along with others....and thats when I found out that as soon as that evidence had been received on St Helena (after being frozen and analysed in London), after several other women had come forward, this man that was continuously granted bail time and time again.....altho by now quite frankly...a potential serial rapist.....since HE was told it was going to court...he abruptly went off an hung himself.
Obviously that left us all....well....somewhere else. Not quite sure where right now. But along with the damage "Dr Psycho" had inflicted upon me here.....I now hardly trust anyone. Ive had authorities here confusing me further, by suggesting he is "not really dead"......that "they just dropped the case"....and even that St Helena does not have any CID!!!! But who would blame them....after what "Dr Pycho" has left on my records. Along with the victim blaming culture which I was exposed to on Island, and people here...doubting me....im left doubting myself. My entire life infact. And since xmas, ive been aware.....that this is not the first time it has happened to me. I wish I hadnt rememebered that....but now that I have....it wont leave me alone :/ Everything is disturbing, nothing is real anymore, I live with guilt, shame, blame, (as do....the others....whom I was hoping to help.....). And now we are left like this....I cannot speak to rape crisis / victim support / and im terrified of the NHS. Ive even had people TELL ME, police officers to be specific, that "this is all attention seeking, and that I should probably be the one arrested". Does anyone know what that actually does to your brain??? To someone who already doubts everything?? Did it happen? Why have they gone? Did it not happen? Was it real? Why cant I fix myself?? Is he really dead?? Was it my fault?? etc etc etc...
and on top of that....are these weird things that now happen to me....like panicking for no reason whatsoever. Not even knowing who I am anymore. I try to help others, now that im aware of how long and how severe the situation has actually been on Island, and how much covering up there has been by not only local, but UK Government, allowing this all to continue to this date. But even helping others is hard....when they are still surrounded by the unchanged attitudes that would alienate them if they spoke out.....as has happened to me. I can totally understand why they would also want to keep abuse quiet; for one thing many are still under the impression it "is normal"....and another....ive never come across a "victim blaming culture" so insidious, as back on St Helena :(
I have already shared what I wrote to them....so wont talk about them again. But there is nothing left. Literally nothing left. Except for the few people who will know who you are...thank you, ...and the people of South Africa. Even the people I feel closest to here....are linked somehow with South Africa...being born there / from there!! This...explains my deep connection to South Africa. And to Soweto in particular....where I was free. Free of guilt, blame, shame....and accepted. As well as being able to help children at the same time.
I have finally realised....how "unconventional" my life is.
But those of you still with me...from St Helena and elsewhere...I still remember Stuarts words..."never sell yourself short". Believe in yourself.Trust in your abilities. I think it applies to all of us now. But....I just wish my brain could be re-wired. Because its stuck like this. None of us know WHO to trust....especially on St Helena.
Thanks for reading if you didnt fall asleep :/ xx