Why am I still here?

Why am I still here, living in constant fear, Although its not happened again, Nothing can ever be the same...

I dont want to live with such pain, The exhaustion and fear is intense, I'm in my "safe space" now... yet today I felt "behind the fence"

I will have to leave soon, this sanctuary cannot last forever, I will have to return once again, Back to the same torture

I know im not ready to leave, my body has been telling me so, Until now I have felt so relaxed, But now, my body says "no"

It has trapped my mind in a new state of panic with the fear of leaving Is this fear and panic

I cannot do anything with ease, I cannot even walk down the road, For so long this has been "normal" Yet now my brain feels "overload"

Overloaded with panic from nowhere, Just the fear of leaving I guess, Back to the painful unknown, Back where my life is a mess....

I still look at my photos I dont know who I am, I dont know what happened, I dont know how I can...

The fear is unexpected, I feel no longer human, Only the kids I work with help me to carry on....

The people here - they think im sick, because of the "winter sun" What am I supposed to tell them? That its my brain - not the sun?

Maybe this is the end of me the end of fear and pain, I am not afraid of dying, It is better than being insane.

My time is coming to an end here, and my life most likely too; For all that I have left is here... Its only here....in Soweto....

(Art by Silas Motse).