Ukuba yedwa...

I have started to write about my recent experience back in South Africa recently, and will write more soon. But I just wanted to share a musical composition. I have provided the link below.

I feel completely alone and isolated.....I feel like the tree in that image - uprooted on its own ....to drift.

I have already said how I met so many wonderful people in Soweto again - and it was one who actually inspired me to write this piece of music recently. I will not go into details, because unlike the rest of "my people" I do not think it is appropriate to expose / discuss things about individuals without their permission and also out of respect for their privacy.

But - for reasons anyone can probably guess....I found a deep meaningful connection to this person. We have a lot in common is all I will say. And she had such an impact on me when we first met. She contacted me recently asking me how I was and sending her love, as always; her name actually translates as "love" :) (And is therefore a very common name in SA!). I was not feeling good at all when she contacted me....ive been feeling "trapped" again...back here on British soil.....afraid of everything and everyone....not being able to trust ANYONE is a a very difficult way to live :(

It was when this was consuming me again recently, I heard from her. As if she knew! It was so comforting to hear from her again; one of the most positive loving gentle caring people I have ever met. I suddenly wasnt alone when I received her message....and just speaking with her inspired me to put my pain into music. I spent all night composing this piece, which is longer than anything I have written before. It is also unusual as the time signature varies throughout....but anyway, its what came from my head.

The loneliness, isolation, abandonment, lack of trust, pain, fear, .....most of all though - the loss of what feels like all of "my people"....came out on the piano.

Zulu is the predominant language in South Africa, although Soweto hosts many languages such as Sotho, Venda, Xhosa, Tswana as well as English and Afrikaans. But Zulu was what I mostly picked up on as it is either a first or second language of everyone I know. A beautiful young girl called "Mbalienhle" - which means "flower / beautiful flower" in English taught me some Zulu in return for music lessons :) And I was even "Christened" during my recent stay with a Zulu name - Nomkhumbulwa (means "to remember / related to mother Earth"). Even this act itself made me feel like I was escaping for a while. My original name is only associated with fear, and hatred for myself, shame of myself.... and the incident that took place last year on St Helena. I was happy to have a new name....from a different culture (after all - my original name does mean "Universal"....so im sure I can pick my Nationality!). Picking my Nationality probably is not what I mean....more what I mean is that I am no longer British. I may be classed as a "British Citizen"....like everyone on British territory worldwide, but I refuse to acknowledge it, and have unofficially renounced my British Citizenship - because it makes me feel sick. For how the British Government have acted towards not just our "people", but also those on other British territories ( such as Chagos mentioned earlier), and for the brutal impact it has had on other parts of the world.

What happened to me....and many many others....is an accepted (albeit quietly) part of our Culture; that is not just Saint - its British. Its 5000 miles away from UK....but its British. This cultural acceptance of abuse, and the massive victim blaming culture....is well known by the British Government, who simply turn a blind eye...and pretend it doesnt happen. Again, the whole situation makes me feel sick. I am no longer British. Being back on British soil after escaping to South Africa for 6 weeks....is again making me feel so ill, questioning everything I know about myself, my memories, and the fear has once again become paralysing.

As I said in my previous post (the poem) - on having to visit several clinics during my stay in Soweto - when I was registered ethnically as an "African", it felt like a huge relief!! I am an African, we are all Africans in fact. But perhaps....one day....if I survive - I may become officially "South African". For that is.....where the people I consider "family"....all live. In fact the few who I am close to here - are actually South African (!). They are not British either.

Sorry for the long rambling, what I was meaning to explain was the title of my composition; its Zulu for "solitude / to be alone". That was all I really wanted to say...it has no words. I guess another title could have been...."Musical Sadness"....And the composition is with huge gratitude towards the friend I mentioned...who inspired me to write. The link is here:

https://clyp.it/1qydt0rx