Now that you have gone..

You were my everything,

I've always known you were special.

But only now I realise,

How much I needed you my little girl.

You were my constant companion,

Never left me alone,

Always by my side,

Even after I left you alone.

You forgave me everytime,

I left you home alone,

Sometimes months at a time,

I was gone.

You trusted me always,

At the door on my return,

Waiting to greet me,

But I could tell you were concerned.

You had been abandoned,

Early in life,

I know you had a difficult start

Moving from shelter to shelter is no life.

We were supposed to be together,

I knew I needed to help you,

Rescue you from a sad untimely death,

And give you a loving home.

You had nowhere to go,

All those years ago

I couldnt let you die.,

You had to come and be mine.

You were more than just company,

You were a true friend,

They told me you didnt like cuddles,

But I found out thats all you wanted in the end.

You helped me more than any human,

You were so loving and kind,

You understood everything about me,

You were there when I lost my mind.

You let me cry on you,

You saw me cut myself,

But you never ran away,

Although I know you didnt want me to cut.

I loved you very much,

And I know you loved me too,

And I hope that you understood

How much I really loved you.

You saved my life one morning,

When our smoke alarms failed,

The house filling with smoke at 5am,

You got me out of bed.

Even Qasem loved you,

For when I was stuck in hospital,

He got over his fear as a Muslim,

He made friends with you, didnt mind your poo.

I always knew how you felt,

You showed me your disgust,

When I brought home the school gerbils,

And you pooped on my bed in disgust.

You looked after me in Aberdeenshire,

As I looked after you,

I know our house was very cold,

You got used to the coal fire so soon.

You helped me move back to Arran,

Im sorry for how stressful that was,

Such a long time to spend in a box,

But we had no choice but for trains, boats and bus.

I had lived here before,

But for you it was all very new,

Yet you adapted so quickly,

Walked out of your box, like you knew.

I know you were happy on Arran,

You settled in so quickly,

It was liked you'd always lived here,

Maybe because we were close to the sea.

My people got fewer and fewer,

But your loyalty was forever,

I know sometimes you were hungry,

We were both hungry at these times.

I never meant to neglect you,

And I know you understood,

I'd do anything so you didnt go hungry,

When I couldnt get out of bed.

I cooked fish from the freezer,

Though I know it wasnt your favourite,

I never meant to make you sick,

Your body just wasnt used to it.

I am sorry for how much I left you,

You lit up my life when I returned,

I trusted the people left to feed you,

Knew they'd take care of you while I was gone.

I was so happy to see you,

Looking healthy and content,

With your bright yellow eyes shining,

And your comforting purr of content.

Thank you for looking after me,

Many times you kept me going,

Although I have wanted to die,

I could never leave you my darling.

I had to stay alive,

I know you needed me,

No one else could be here for you,

And I know how much you loved me.

I may have gone away at times,

But I was always pleased to see you,

I knew you were here waiting,

And I always thought about you.

You became my only companion,

Nearly everyone else had gone,

You showed so much compassion,

You never left me alone.

I got to know you so well,

You went out a little in the sun,

But you never wandered far,

Wanting the door left open for a quick return.

Im sorry for the times you got stuck outside,

I know it didnt happen a lot,

But you always went to hide somewhere,

I know the fear now, it can be too much.

I know how it feels now,

I get the panic and fear too,

My legs collapse for no reason,

I know how it must have been for you.

When you got so sick,

I hated seeing you in pain,

But I knew you still wanted to be here,

And I kept promising, mummy will end the pain.

You were like a little angel,

Took your medicine so well,

Let me feed you by syringe,

You wanted to be here still, I could tell.

But then you were in such pain,

All night you'd lie so close to me,

Resting your bleeding tumour

Against my neck, the pain I could see.

Then I knew you didnt want to be here,

You were tired and had had enough,

You looked at me, trusted me to end your pain,

The tumour bleeding, swollen, you couldnt close your mouth.

I knew when you sat out in the cold,

You wanted it to end,

You were hoping you would die,

But I didnt want you to starve, so your body was still strong.

I could see you were in pain,

I could feel it too,

I even got used to the smell of your tumour,

So close to my face, as I tried to comfort you.

I'd wanted to give you diazepam,

But I knew from my training its not right,

But I did give you extra pain killers,

On your very last night.

I didnt want you to suffer,

Anymore than you were,

And it seemed to help you settle,

And these nights would now be no more.

Mummy asked the vet to come tomorrow,

You had told me it was time,

I let you listen to the birds and music,

Comforting you until she came.

I wanted to take you to bed again,

But I know that would have been wrong,

I didnt want to end you life,

But otherwise, I would have been cruel, and wrong.

You enjoyed your last meal,

Some tasty treats came in the post,

You had more medication,

To ease the pain, as the time drew close.

The hours seemed to last forever,

But I was happy to see you at ease,

The vet came to our house,

You had your sedative on my knees.

You are not keen on strangers,

And tried to go and hide,

But the sedative worked quite quickly,

I picked you up and cuddled you till it was time.

Your body went limp,

You were so sleepy,

And the vet shaved your leg,

Much more humane that the heart, I agree.

Then she injected a huge dose of barbiturate,

Your heart stopped almost instantly,

Mummy wanted that injection too,

You died quickly upon my knee.

Now you are in the garden,

And I am so sorry,

But I did everything I could,

I cant let you in anymore, but I really wish I could.

I am really lost without you,

More than I expected,

Never knew i'd feel this alone,

Dont know what I expected.

The house now feels unsafe,

The panic does things to my body,

Nightmares wake me up,

And now you're not here to help me.

I wish I could have gone with you,

And we could still be together,

No more pain for either of us,

We'd be together forever.

I am so sorry Tiggy, please forgive me, thank you for everything,

love from mummy xxx